


ScandiNoirvia

by MediumSizedEvil



Series: Incredible Thoughts [14]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Black Humor, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23530585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MediumSizedEvil/pseuds/MediumSizedEvil
Summary: A house cat addicted to the cocaineJake tries to assist the Swedes with a very dark, dark case.
Series: Incredible Thoughts [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591777
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6
Collections: Incredible Thoughts





	ScandiNoirvia

Agneta and Søren picked Jake up from Stockholm Arlanda Airport in their Volvo. They were both silent on the ride into town, looking straight ahead with grim expressions on their faces.

“Hey, why are you guys being so serious all of sudden?” Jake asked.

Agneta frowned. “We are always serious, at our serious work.”

“But you seemed so cheerful, and...perky when you were in New York!”

“We were just trying to blend in with your happy-go-lucky American culture,” she explained. “But in fact we're all clinically depressed. Lack of sunlight, you see.”

Søren nodded. “It is true. Even my goldfish is suicidal.”

“And my cat is addicted to cocaine,” Agneta added.

“Everything is dark, very dark here. Don't wear sunglasses, you'll be as good as blind,” he advised.

“Yes, everything is very dark, dark,” Agneta agreed. “Except for our interior design.”

“And we don't have a lot of crime here, but when we do it is mostly very dark and grisly,” Søren explained. “One moment you are helping a little girl cross the road, and the next you are picking a one-eyed dentist out of a rusty meat grinder.”

Agneta nodded. “It makes our workday so delightfully varied, yes?”

They soon arrived at the Stockholm police headquarters, which looked like a church for some reason.

“Now this case is also very dark, dark and disturbing,” Agneta warned him as they walked through the light, airy corridors tastefully decorated with pine wood. “A disemboweled, headless torso was found in downtown Stockholm, with its intestines arranged in a contemporary fashion around it.”

“No!” Jake exclaimed.

“Yes, indeed they were,” she assured him. “Very modern and cutting edge.”

Søren nodded gravely. “And then more body parts were found, spread all over the Nordic countries.”

“Well, that's crazy!”

Agneta shook her head. “Not really, it happens a lot actually. We even have a special bridge team for that. You see, this place is so small that it's hard to dispose of a body without accidentally wandering into a neighboring country.”

“Don't you have...eh, borders?”

“No, we don't need borders because we're all friends here! Really close friends.”

“Like, naked in the sauna-friends,” Søren clarified as they entered the morgue.

“But we called you in because we think the victim might be American,” Agneta explained.

“Oh, why?” 

“Because his whole body is tattooed with stars, and stripes.” She removed a sheet from one of the slabs to reveal the grisly evidence. “We suspect that is something only an American would do.”

Jake stared at the large disemboweled torso and assorted organs. “Yes, you may be right.”

Agneta nodded. “Of course we as Swedes are very proud of not being patriotic at all. I would never dream of putting a Swedish flag on my perfectly toned body.”

Søren shook his head. “Oh no, all the sauna would laugh at you.”

Agneta nodded. “But I have a very cool dragon on my buttocks.”

“True,” Søren agreed. “It is simple yet functional.” He turned to Jake. “And I have one of a wild Poäng. Do you want to see it?”

“Eh, no thanks.”

Agneta turned back to the tattooed torso. “So the next body part was found at Halden Maximum-Security Prison in Norway,” she explained. “An inmate was cross-country skiing in the forest when he saw a severed finger tattooed with stars, and stripes, lying in the snow.”

“He was so shocked,” Søren said. “That poor man.”

“Then the Norwegians found another two such fingers in the hall of the Mountain King, and a little toe on the diving tower in Hamar.”

“Left or right toe?” Jake asked, just to be thorough.

“Hmm, I do not know. This might be important. I will call Detective Weber to ask.” She grabbed her phone. “Oh, he is not picking up. He is probably at his cabin, deep in the woods.”

“Doing what?”

“Relaxing, and going mad. That's what cabins are for.”

“And for peeing with nature,” Søren added.

“Also one toe-less foot was found on the Faroe Islands,” Agneta continued, “and another on the Åland Islands.” Then she got a call. “Aha. Aha.” She quickly hung up. “That was the Estonian police, to say they found a tattooed foot.”

“Eh, a _third_ foot?”

“I suspect they are pulling our leg. They just really want to be part of the Nordics; it's such a cool club, they'd do anything.”

“Even tattoo and cut off someone's foot?” Jake asked disbelievingly.

“Apparently. It really is the Champagne Room of first-world countries. But then you wouldn't know about that.” She sighed. “So, then Detective Sigurðardóttir found a penis floating in the Blue Lagoon, and Santa discovered a severed head in his workshop, neatly gift-wrapped.”

“Santa's real?” Jake exclaimed.

Agneta gave him a pointed look and continued. “Then a ring finger was found on a Danish garbage dump by a bridegroom during a wedding photo shoot.”

Søren shook his head. “Fancy that.”

“And the Sirius Sled Patrol found a frozen toe off the coast of Greenland. But the dogs ate it.”

“Well they deserve a treat, having to work with Danes,” Søren opined.

“Then Queen Margrethe spotted an ear nailed to a tree while out foraging for rødgrød med fløde.”

“For _what_?”

“It's garbage. They also found a nose on Hans Island, just-” Agneta suddenly received a call. “One moment. Aha. Aha.” She turned to Jake and Søren. “It is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to say they found a nose.”

Jake rolled his eyes. “Oh, first he has three feet, and now he has two noses?”

“No, it is the same nose. They are also on Hans Island, to claim it.” She turned back to her phone. “And now they are fighting over the nose. Shots are being fired. One horse is dead.” She sighed deeply. “DRINK ALCOHOLS TOGETHER,” she shouted into her phone. Then she listened for the response. “There, I fixed it. Such garbage peoples.” She ended the call and resolutely put her phone away. “Now is time for fika,” she announced.

“Yes, let's go and fika!” Søren agreed. He leaned back against an empty slab and licked his lips. “Do you want some?” he asked Jake.

“Ehm...”

“Come on, you have to partake,” Agneta urged as she covered up the mutilated corpse. “When in Rome...”

Søren nodded. “And when in Stockholm...”

“That rhymes,” Agneta noted as they left the morgue. “Were you making a joke?”

“I am so sorry, I did not realize. I would not dream of making fun, at our serious work.”

“Thank Odin.” She turned to Jake. “I heard that in America you have police shows with...jokes in them?”

“Eh yes, I'm afraid so.”

She shivered and scrunched up her nose. Jake silently followed her into the break room. “Here is some good fika!” she said, pointing to a large spread of cakes and pastries on the table. “Åpple turnøvers, cinnåmön bøns, gingërbreåd, søur hërring, såffrön rølls and old-fashioned ᚨᛈᚢᛚᛈᛁ.” She proudly turned to Jake. “We are more than just IKEA and ABBA, you know. We have a very rich culture.”

“Yes, we also have Ace of Base,” Søren added. “So deep and mysterious lyrics. What is this 'Cruel Summer'? I still do not know.”

“Deep and mysterious...deep and mysterious,” Agneta pondered. “We must go to the library at once!”

They sped to the Stockholm Public Library while Søren gave Jake a short primer on Nordic Neoclassicism, to better appreciate its magnificence. In the grandest of all reading rooms – Amy would have a fit - Agneta grabbed a number of old, dusty books from the shelves and started poring over the contents.

Jake looked over her shoulder. “You can read ancient runes?”

“Of course, we learn it in school, to better understand the glorious history of our ancient civilization. Just like you have Latin and Greek in school, right?”

“Eh...I took Hebrew instead. לך חפש מי ינענע אותך”

She nodded and turned back to her saga. “Aha, here it is!” She pointed to the runes. “The first challenge to be accepted among the Viking brotherhood, to prove your worth, your strength, your wit, and ingenuity, it is to organize a fun scavenger hunt for everyone.” She looked up from her book. “Interesting...”

“So what is the Viking Brotherhood?" Jake asked. “You think it still exists?"

"Oh, yes," she replied. "But we call it the Nordic Council these days. It's a cool, hip rebrand that works really well with our target demographic. So I guess we are looking for a country that really wants to be part of the Nordics..."

“Uh...Estonia?” Jake guessed.

“Well, they would seem like the usual suspect, they are so very thirsty, but I am puzzled by the American tattoos. It is clearly sending a political message, and Estonia has no beef with the United States. On the contrary, they would never deliberately provoke them like this. So what other country despises America but wants to join the Nordic Council?” she pondered.

Søren shook his head. “Agneta, I believe you are tilting at windmills.”

“Windmills!” she exclaimed. “Of course! Windmills, golf course, the Trump! It was Scotland!”

“Eh, wouldn't that be a bit premature?” Jake wondered. “They're not even independent yet.”

“It is a very long process,” she explained. She pored over her runes. “There are...34 more challenges to complete. So it is better to start early.”

“I believe you are correct,” Søren conceded. Then he turned to Jake. “So you see, not all our cases are dark, dark; occasionally one is more fun and light-hearted, like this one.”

Agneta nodded and smiled. “Well played, Nicola, well played.” She closed the book. “Ah, the old ways, they are so very charming. Well, I will inform the Prime Minister. He can convene the Nordic Council and they will pass judgment on this, in my opinion, hilarious prank.” She turned to Jake. “And you can go home. We have solved the case, so we do not need your help after all.”

“But what about the victim?” Jake exclaimed. “That poor American!”

Agneta frowned. “Surely you have enough of them?”

**Author's Note:**

>   
> 
> 
> [The Cabin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua1FAlHt_Ys)   
> 


End file.
